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Digging His Own Grave
Characters Nat Peterson Shubie Susie Baby Billy Patty Rechid Nazz-Mimi (debut) Frankie-Billy (debut) Nazz and Frankie's baby (debut) Sadie Rechid Fred Rechid Debbie Rechid Monroe Tommy Baby Rechid Sally Nancy Suzy Fish Martha Smith Evelyn Man Woman Lynn (referenced) Old man Other customers Transcript (Scene cuts to Shubie, Nancy, Martha and Evelyn sitting in a restaurant) Nancy Suzy Fish (whispers to Shubie): "Does Evelyn really need to be here? We have hardly anything in common with her and she's not exactly the funnest person to be around." Shubie: "She's my sister and I promised her that I would introduce her to my friends so get used to hanging out with her." Nancy sighs and Sadie walks into the restaurant. Sadie: "Sorry I'm late girls. Has Nat said anything about me recently, Shubie?" Shubie: "Um... not that I can think of. Why?" Sadie: "Really? I was just wondering because you know how coworkers often talk about each other especially if they're both extremely attractive. Oh he's so dreamy." The women look at Sadie strangely. Sadie: "I mean, uh... he is so funny! He always cracks me up at work." Martha Smith: "So is anyone doing anything fun this weekend?" Evelyn: "I have to go to my son's baseball game." Nancy rolls her eyes. Nancy: "We all do Evelyn, all of us have kids or step-kids on the team." Sadie: "Well my little sister is moving back into town tomorrow so my whole family is coming over at dinner to welcome her and her husband back. You remember Nazz right?" Shubie: "Oh you mean the girl that couldn't catch a softball to save her life in high school?" Nancy, Shubie and Martha laugh. Shubie: "But in all seriousness it's great that she's moving back into town. I don't know why she ever left." Sadie: "Yeah I think it had something to do with her husband quitting his old job and starting a scythe business in New Kelp City. Apparently people love scythes there." Nancy: "Her husband had a scythe business?! That's a bit of a weird profession." Sadie: "That's what I told her too but she was convinced that it was definitely gonna work. Now apparently it's failed so they're back." Shubie: "Well it's still really nice of you to throw a welcoming party for her when she comes back tomorrow." Sadie: "Easy for you to say. You won't spend all of tomorrow cooking for eight people." The women laugh. (Scene cuts to Sadie cooking in her kitchen the next day) The doorbell rings and Sadie opens the door. Sadie: "Hi Patty! I'm so glad you could make it today! Usually you're too busy selling houses." Patty: "Actually business has been really slow lately. The market's pretty bad right now so hardly any houses are selling." Sadie: "Oh. Well it's going to be great to finally see Nazz and her husband again. I'm so glad they moved back." Patty: "Yeah I can't wait to see all three of them." Sadie: "Three?!" Patty: "Oh you haven't heard? Nazz and her husband had a baby last year! Isn't that exciting?!" Sadie: "Nazz has a baby? That means... oh no! We both have the same amount of children! You remember what Mom said about her will don't you." Patty: "How could I forget? 'Whoever has the most children will get all of my inheritance so you better get married soon Patty'." Sadie: "I gotta get that money! I guess I've been so busy worrying that you would get married and have kids that I forget all about Nazz! I have to fix this!" Sadie runs out of her house and over to Nat's. Sadie knocks on the door and Shubie answers it. Shubie: “Hello?” Sadie: “Hi Shubie. Would you and Nat like to come over and have dinner at my house tonight? I just thought it would be great if some people met Nazz so she doesn’t feel like she’s all by herself and who better than my best friend and her gorgeous, I mean, wonderful husband?” Shubie: “Wait, I’m your best friend? I mean, I always knew you didn’t have a lot of friends but I thought that you at least liked Martha or Nancy more.” Sadie: “Nope it’s definitely you! You’re such a great person Shubie, it’s a pleasure being friends with someone like you.” Shubie: “Thanks! I’m glad that you’re my friend too! Although if I was forced to rank all my friends, you’d probably be around fifteenth or sixteenth.” Sadie: “Great! I’ll see you and your family in an hour then!” Shubie closes the door. Sadie: “And then I’ll finally convince Nat that he should divorce that disgusting wife of his and start a new family with me! That inheritance money will be mine!” Sadie laughs maniacally. (Scene cuts to Sadie finishing the dinner) Sadie puts a bunch of food on the table. The doorbell rings. Sadie: “Oh! That must be Nazz!” Sadie runs over to door and opens it. Sadie: “Nazz! I’m so glad you could make it! It’s great that you decided to move back to Bikini Bottom!” Sadie and Nazz hug. Nazz: “Yeah it feels great to be back home! You remember my husband, Frankie, right?” Sadie: “Of course! It’s so nice to see you again!” Sadie hugs Frankie-Billy. Nazz: “And this is our little bundle of joy right here.” Nazz takes her baby out of the baby carriage and shows it to Sadie. Sadie’s eye starts twitching. Sadie: “What a cute baby! I’m so happy for you Nazz! Well come inside and have a seat I’ll reintroduce you to my family.” Nazz and Frankie walking into the dining room. Sadie: “This is obviously my older sister Patty.” Patty jumps out of her seat and hugs Nazz. Patty: “It’s so nice to see you again Nazz!” Nazz: “You too! I’ve missed you so much!” Sadie: “And this is my husband, Fred. And over there at the kids table are my step-kids, Debbie, Monroe and Tommy. And at the baby table is my own little bundle of joy.” Nazz: “You have such a wonderful family, Sadie.” Sadie: “Thanks they’re not usually this well behaved though. But come and have a seat I’ll put your baby and the baby table.” Sadie grabs Nazz’s baby and places it in a high chair at the baby table while Nazz and Frankie sit down. The doorbell rings. Sadie: “That must be Nat!” Sadie sprints to the front door and opens it. Nat, Shubie, Susie and Baby Billy walk in. Sadie: “Nazz, this is my very handsome coworker, Nat Peterson. We work together at my cookie store. It’s been a dream come true getting to work with him.” Nazz: “Nat Peterson?! The star athlete and most popular guy in high school? It’s been ages since I last saw you! I used to have quite the crush on you in high school, but that was all before I met my wonderful husband, Frankie.” Nat and Nazz shake hands. Nat: “Nice to see you again too. This is my wife, Shubie.” Nazz: “Shubie?! You and Nat got married? I don’t know why I should be surprised by that though. You’re the only person that I could see getting married to someone like Nat! You always were the prettiest and most accomplished girl in high school. We never would‘ve won those state championships without you.” Shubie and Nazz hug Shubie: “Aw thank you, Nazz! It’s so good to see you again! And these are our kids...” Sadie: “Oh their names are irrelevant! Why don’t you all have a seat? The dinner‘s going to get cold.” Everyone walks over to the table. Sadie: “Why don’t you sit here, Nat?” Sadie points at the chair next to her and Nat sits down. Shubie: “Where would you like me to sit, Sadie?” Sadie: “Unfortunately there isn’t any more room up here so is it okay if you sit at the end of the table? You can always sit at the kids’ table too if you want.” Shubie: “Uh okay, sitting at the end of the table is fine I guess.” Shubie walks down to a seat at the end of the table and sits down. Sadie: “Perfect. Now let’s eat.” Shubie reaches over to get some food on the table. Sadie: “Stop! I think that Nat should be the first one to get food since he took time out of his very busy day to eat with me, I mean, us!. Would you like to be served first, Nat?” Nat: “Um okay. Thank you, Sadie.” Sadie gives him some food. Sadie: “You’re welcome Nat! I’d do anything for you.” Everyone else gets food and starts to eat. Frankie: “Wow Sadie, this is really good!” Nazz: “Yeah Sadie, I never knew you could cook this well!” Sadie: “Thank you! Nat’s taught me so much about cooking since we started working together.” Nat: “What? I haven’t taught you any-” Sadie puts a napkin over his mouth to stop him from talking. Sadie: “Sorry, you just had a little something on your face Nat. It’s all gone now.” Patty: “So Nazz, are you thinking of having any more children?” Nazz: “Well Frankie and I just had our daughter a few months ago so we’re a little tied up at the moment right now. But becoming parents has been such a blessing on our lives and it’s really strengthened our love for each other so I’m sure we’ll have even more in the future.” Patty: “Aw that’s so sweet! You two are going to make such a great family!” Nazz: “Thank you! None of this would’ve been possible without Frankie though, I love him so much.” Sadie: “Grr... So Nat, are you thinking of having any more children?” Nat: “Not really. Me and Shubie already have two wonderful kids so we’re not really thinking about having another right now.” Sadie: “Well you know, you don’t have to have any more kids with Shubie. You could always have some with me-” Everyone at the table looks at her strangely. Sadie: “A! Mia! You know that really young fish who always tries flirting with you whenever she buys something at our shop?” Nat: “Who? I don’t know anyone that buys deserts from us named Mia.” Sadie starts laughing awkwardly. Sadie: “Oh Nat, you‘re so funny! As if you don’t remember who Mia is!” Shubie: “So Frankie, are you going to try to get your old office job back?” Frankie: “Nope! I’ve decided to go into the real estate business! I’m going to start my own realty company!” Patty almost spits out her drink. Patty: “You’re starting your own realty company?! Where are you going to find any realtors? All of the good ones already work for Bikini Bottom Realty.” Frankie: “I don’t need to hire any realtors because I’m going to sell all the houses myself! I finally got my realtors’ license last week.” Patty: “I’m sorry Frankie but I don’t think this is a good idea. There really isn’t room for two realty companies in Bikini Bottom and Bikini Bottom Realty is a much better and more accomplished company than yours. Plus, the market’s really bad right now so that will make it even harder for you to make money. Even my sales are down and I’m the best realtor in the region.” Frankie: “Well I‘m determined that I can build a successful realty company despite all of that!” Nazz: “Yeah Patty, Frankie’s been working really hard lately on becoming a realtor so I have faith in him. Plus, he‘ll be the most handsome realtor in Bikini Bottom so that has to count for something.” Nazz kisses Frankie on the cheek. Patty rolls her eyes and sighs. (Scene cuts to Patty putting a Bikini Bottom Realty sign in front of a house) Patty: “This house will be off the market in no time. It could literally sell itself!” Frankie drives by and parks in front of the house across the street. Patty: “Is that Frankie?” Frankie puts a sign in the yard that says “Frankie’s Realty”. Patty: “He’s trying to sell that house? Good luck with that! No one’s buying that house in this market.” A boat drives by and parks behind Frankie’s boat. Two fish get out of the boat and walk over to Frankie. Man: “We’ll take it!” The woman hands Frankie a huge bag of money. Patty: “What the barnacles? They didn’t even see the inside! Oh well, it’s probably just beginners’ luck.” Frankie gets into his boat and drives to the house next door. A boat parks behind Frankie's and two fish get out. Fish: "We'll take it!" The two fish hand Frankie a huge bag of money. Frankie drives to the next house on the street. A boat parks behind him. Fish: "We'll take it!" Patty: "Wow he sure is lucky. Oh well, it's only a matter of time before that luck runs out. Then he'll have to face the cold heartless world of Bikini Bottom real estate. A world ruled by Patty Rechid." (Scene cuts to Patty standing in front of that same house a few days later) All the other houses in the neighborhood have signs saying "Sold by Frankie's Realty!" while the sign on the house she's standing in front of still says "For sale by Bikini Bottom Realty". Sally drives by and stops in front of the house. Patty: "Oh hi, Sally! You're interested in purchasing a vacation home on the other side of Bikini Bottom? That's a great idea! And you can get this right here one for 90% off its original value!" Sally: "Oh no, I'm not interested buying this house. I'm actually just delivering the newspaper." Patty: "You're a newspaper deliverer now?" Sally: "Well my science experiments aren't going to fund themselves so sometimes I have to get part time jobs like this one to pay for them. The plutonium I need for my x-ray vision goggles costs a lot of money! Well, I'd better get back to delivering. Here's your paper, Patty!" Sally hands Patty a newspaper. Patty: "Oh, thanks Sally." Sally: "You're welcome! Say, have you heard about Nazz's husband, Frankie? He's already sold more houses this month than any realtor in Bikini Bottom ever has in any month!" Sally gets in her boat and drives away. Patty: "WHAT?!" Patty looks at the newspaper which says "Frankie Rechid shatters Patty Rechid's record! Meet the man who's sold more houses this month than anyone ever and there's still two weeks left! Could this be the end for his sister-in-law? The former titan of Bikini Bottom real estate's sales are at an all time low. Bikini Bottom Realty's sales have also dropped dramatically as a result of their star realtor's struggles. It seems as though there's a new Rechid controlling real estate in Bikini Bottom, and his name is Frankie.". Patty crumples up the newspaper and throws it onto the ground. Patty: "I have to do something about this." Patty takes out her phone. Patty: "Hey Sadie, do you still have that green sweater you wore when you were pretending to be me that one time? Perfect." Patty grins and hangs up the phone. (Scene cuts to Patty driving her boat down a street) Patty sees Frankie putting a "Frankie's Realty" sign in front of a house. Patty: "There he is!" Patty stops her boat in front of the house. Patty: "Hey Frankie!" Frankie: "Hey Patty!" Patty: "I was just stopping by to congratulate you on your success." Frankie: "Thanks that means a lot coming from you! You're one of the most accomplished realtors alive! Or you used to be at least." Patty: "Uh, you're welcome. I was also coming to warn you that..." Frankie: "Hey don't act like I don't know what you're doing, Patty!" Patty: "You do?!" Frankie: "Yeah! You're wearing that green sweater to try to look more like me which will trick people into buying houses from you! You know what they say, people often impersonate success!" Frankie laughs. Patty: "Yeah. Well I just wanted to warn you that I saw a bunch of teenagers vandalizing a house one of your signs in front of it." Frankie: "Was it that house that's really far away and near a railroad?" Patty: "Uh... yes?" Frankie: "I knew it! Those hoodlums!" Frankie jumps into his boat and drives away. A boat drives up to the house and parks behind Patty's boat. Two fish get out of the boat. Woman: "Are you here for the open house too?" Patty: "Oh no, I'm the realtor." Woman: "What? You're not Frankie. I thought this house was being sold by Frankie's Realty." Patty: "Oh no it is. I'm Frankie's partner, Patty Rech- I mean my name is, uh..." Patty looks around and sees a bumper sticker on their car that says "Our daughter Lynn is a proud honors student". Patty: "Lynn! Lynn uh..." Patty sees Nat driving past the house in his boat. Patty: "Peterson! Yep! My name is Lynn Peterson." Woman: "Oh our daughter's name is Lynn too! It's such a beautiful name." Patty: "Uh... Yeah I'm really glad my parents chose to give me that name. So would you like to see a tour of the inside?" Man: "We'd love to." Patty: "Great! Let's go inside!" Patty and the two fish walk inside the house. Woman: "This is a really comfy sofa! Come check it out, dear!" The fish sit down on the sofa. Man: "You're right honey! This is the comfiest couch I've ever sat on!" Patty: "Oh that couch came from the dump. In fact most of the furniture here came from the dump. You see, this house is currently standing on what used to be the town dump before they decided to relocate it to a different location." The man and woman jump off the sofa. Patty: "Would you like me to turn on the light behind you two?" Woman: "Yes, please." Patty walks over to the lamp behind the two fish and smashes it with a baseball bat. The two fish turn around. Man: "What the barnacles was that?" Patty: "Oh sorry, sometimes the light bulbs in this house explode because of the faulty circuits." Woman: "Are you sure it wasn't because you smashed it with the baseball bat lying against the wall behind you?" Patty: "Oh no, this bat is actually a major support beam that helps keep this house together." Patty kicks the bat down. Patty: "Oh no! Brace for impact!" The two fish cover themselves expecting the house to fall down on them. Man: "Why didn't anything happen?" Patty: "Oh normally these literal pieces of junk don't collapse right away. It usually take about an hour until they do but be prepared. This house could randomly collapse at any second. Should we go into the kitchen?" Woman: "Wow this is a really nice stove." Patty: "Oh don't go near that. The fire department told me that it could catch on fire at any moment. And don't go near the sink, sir. It's been clogged for almost a full decade now. The pipes could burst at any minute." The woman backs away from the stove and the man backs away from the sink. Patty: "Shall we go upstairs?" Man: "Sure." The man and the woman follow Patty towards the stairs. Patty: "Try to use every third step if you can. The fire department told me that the others could break at any second." Patty and the two fish jump up the stairs. Patty: "This right here will probably be your daughter's room. I would suggest getting a new bed though. The one in there right now is so weak that it will snap in half if anything over two pounds is put on it. And here's the main bedroom. I would suggest keeping the blinds down at all times because the fish that lives across the street supposedly likes to watch people get dressed at night." The two man and woman look outside and see an old man across the street smiling and waving at them. Man: "Fish like him make me sick." The man shuts the blinds. Patty: "Oh and I wouldn't get anywhere near the bathroom. The toilet hasn't been able to flush for years so you can imagine what it smells like." The woman covers her nose. Patty: "Okay so that officially concludes the tour of the house! Don't go near the attic by the way it's overrun with nematodes." Man: "Is there anything else we should know about before buying this?" Patty: "Oh I almost forgot! Do either of you wear a watch?" Woman: "I do." Patty: "Well you might as well throw it away because it'll never tell the right time! There's something wrong with the magnetic frequency of the ground this house was built on which causes all the clocks in these house to tell different times. What time is it now?" The woman looks at her watch. Woman: "It’s 1:24." Patty looks at her watch. Patty: "My watch says that it’s 4:21. It’s already starting." Woman: "This is a problem. How are we ever going to get to work on time if my watch and all the clocks in this house say the wrong time? And how will we get our daughter to school on time? Speaking of which, how are the schools around here." Patty: "Oh the schools here are fine." Man: "Well that’s a relief." Patty: "Your daughter isn’t an honors student right?" Woman: "Yes she is, she gets straight A’s in all of her classes." Patty: "Oh that could be a problem. You see, people around here don’t take kindly to honors students. Your daughter is going to have a real problem fitting in at school. Even her teachers will hate her." Woman: "What kind of teacher would hate a student that gets straight A’s?" Patty: "I don’t know. Things in this area are a little backwards. Personally, I would never want to raise a family here. But don’t worry your daughter won’t absolutely hate everything about this area because this house is actually the house that Ned and the Needlefish grew up in!" Patty paused for dramatic effect expecting the fish to freak out. Woman: "Actually we like Ned and the Needlefish." Patty: "Oh did I say Ned and the Needlefish? I meant Boys Who Cry!" Woman: "NO! Anything but that! We can’t move here honey. This place is awful!" Man: "I agree. There’s no way we’re buying this house." Patty: "I totally understand your decision. Only a couple of morons would buy this house. But if you want, I can show you a nicer house that’s for sale on the other side of town where people are more accepting of honors students and your watch will tell the right time." (Scene cuts to Patty taking the two fish to the house she was trying to sell before) The woman hands her a huge pile of money. Woman: "We’ll take it!" (Scene cuts to a montage of Patty tricking Frankie’s customers into buying her houses instead of his) (Scene cuts to Patty walking outside of her house in the morning) Sally drives by and stops her boat in front of Patty’s house. Sally: "Here’s your paper, Patty!" Sally tosses her a newspaper and Patty catches it. Patty: "Thanks, Sally!" Patty looks at the newspaper which says "Patty Rechid's back on top! After a little slump, the Bikini Bottom Realty star's sales are through the roof! Bikini Bottom Realty has once again taken control of the real estate market behind the success of their star realtor. It looks like this could also mean the end for her brother-in-law as Frankie's Realty has struggled to sell anything recently after breaking the all time record for the most real estate sales in one month in Bikini Bottom history.". Patty: "It looks like balance has finally been restored." Patty walks back inside her house. Nazz walks up to her house and knocks on the front door. Patty opens the door. Patty: "Hello? Oh hi, Nazz!" Nazz: "Hey Patty, can I talk to you for a minute?" Patty: "Sure. Why don't you come inside and have a seat?" Patty and Nazz walk into the kitchen and sit down at a table. Patty: "So what did you want to talk about, Nazz?" Nazz: "It's about Frankie. I finally thought that he had found the right profession when his realty business did so amazingly well last month, but now his business is struggling and it doesn't look like it'll be making enough money any time soon. We're struggling to pay the bills for our house. I can't keep doing this, Patty! I can't keep supporting him while he gets all these random jobs that never work out. I'm going to have divorce him. But I love him so much! And now our baby will never know her father! I don't know what to do!" Nazz starts to cry. Patty: "Oh no! Don't cry Nazz. Please don't cry. You don't have to divorce Frankie. I think I know how to fix this without that happening." Nazz: "You do?" Patty: "Yes, just trust me." Nazz: "Oh thank you so much, Patty! You're the best oldest sister ever!" Nazz hugs Patty. Patty: "No I'm not, Nazz. Not at all." (Scene cuts to Patty parking her boat in front of Frankie's Realty) Frankie walks outside his building and puts up a sign that says "Closed permanently. Building for sale.". Patty gets out of her boat and walks towards him. Patty: "Hey, Frankie." Frankie: "Oh hi, Patty. Are you here to try to be my realtor? I've given up on doing in myself." Patty: "No Frankie! Don't close down your realtor business!" Frankie: "Why shouldn't I? I haven't sold a single property in the past month! What's the point of even trying anymore. I'm a horrible realtor." Patty: "No you're not, Frankie. In fact, somehow you're the best realtor I've ever seen. The truth is, I've been tricking all your customers into buying my properties instead of yours. I'm so sorry, Frankie. I was just so jealous that my youngest sister's idiot husband was out performing me in something that I have been doing for almost my entire life. I hope you can forgive me, but even if you can't, don't give up on being a successful realtor. I can easily get you a job at Bikini Bottom Realty, and even if they reject you, we can start our own realty business! So what do you say?" Frankie: "Thanks for the offer Patty, but I can't. I've already gotten my old office job back. I guess I do belong working in a cubicle for the rest of my life after all." Patty: "Okay, but let me know if you ever change your mind. Now, you're going to need to get this on the market, and only one realtor in Bikini Bottom can help you sell this building for quadruple its actual value!" (Scene ends) Category:Nat Peterson Adventures! Category:Episodes Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts